The many types of tanks

November 13, 2009 § Leave a comment

Most of my experience with other tanks has been on my healer, and I’ve seen quite the variety.  And I’d imagine that in my own time as a tank I’ve qualified as one or two of these types myself.  Just note that this is by no means a comprehensive list. Also, more than likely the tank you are with is an amalgamation of many of these types.

The Juggernaut:

This tank is here to get to the end of the instance and move on to something else.  Perhaps they have a raid to get to in twenty minutes.  It’s possible that Wintergrasp starts soon and they want to be ready for it.  Maybe their significant other is yelling at them to get off the freaking computer and start paying them some attention.  Whatever it is, they want to get through the instance as fast as possible, and you are only a hindrance.  You might as well not be there.  In fact, if they could solo it, they wouldn’t even bother bringing you along.

The good:

If you are also in a hurry, then this is who you want leading your group (assuming they are good at tanking).  If you’ve run the instance over and over and over and all you want is badges, then by all means, the juggernaut is your best bet.  Additionally, the juggernaut can be helpful for timed events like the Culling of Stratholme.

The bad:

On the flip side this can be one of the most frustrating tanks to run with because they don’t stop for anything.  And that includes any dps or healers that think it would be ok to stop for a bit and regenerate their mana.  Hey, they are ready to go, what’s stopping you?  Sheesh, get with the program people!  Keep up!  The Juggernaut can also pose an issue if not everyone in the group knows the fights.  They just charge in without explaining what’s going on or what they need people to do.  And then suddenly they are dead and /pquitting cause the group wiped once.

The slow poke aka Cpt. Careful:

This guy is the exact opposite of the juggernaut.  Every pull is slow, thoughtful, and deliberate.  Each mob and their ability must be explained.  Before every boss he has to take 5-10 minutes explaining what the boss will do and what he wants everyone in the group to do.  It’s absolutely meticulous.

The good:

Cpt. Careful is perfect for a new group of 80s doing the instance for the first time.  He will explain everything thoroughly, and will make damn sure everyone knows what is going on before he starts.  If you don’t understand, he will make sure you get it.  Also, he’s very careful to make sure that everyone’s resource bars are full and everyone is fully buffed before pulling trash or starting boss fights.  May secretly be a ‘know-it-all.’

The bad:

This guys is so slow you run the risk of slipping into a coma.  Even if you haven’t done the instance before, you might find yourself wanting to pull the next group of trash just so that something exciting happens.  Places like Utgarde Keep which should take 30-45 minutes at the most could take upwards of two hours.  And heaven help you if you wipe, because trash at the entrance may respawn.

The Single-minded:

She enters the instance with only one goal.  Either she wants one specific piece of gear, kill one boss, or get one achievement.  Nothing else matters.  Everything else builds up to that moment.  The health of the run hinges solely on the accomplishment of that goal.

The good:

If her goal is to kill a boss or get an achievement then you can be darn sure that she is going to accomplish it, so if you are after that same goal, you’ll get it too.  Also, she is likely to have spent a lot of time researching how to accomplish this particular goal so she will have a lot of valuable information on how to accomplish it.

The bad:

If what she is after is gear, there will very likely be loot drama if it drops and she doesn’t get it.  If she is after an achievement and the group fails, don’t be surprised if she either /pquits or turns into ‘the whiner.’

The know-it all:

They know how to play your class better than you do.  Because they have a lvl 80 [insert class here] fully geared in tier 9 stuff.  Somehow they have managed to learn everything there is to know about every class and spec ever created.

The good:

Often the know-it-all is ready and willing to impart the information in her head.  If you are unsure if this piece of gear is better than that piece of gear, she will be happy to tell you.  And then she’ll tell you which gem to use and which enchant to get.  Probably one of her alts can cut the gem and do the enchant for you too.  Assuming she isn’t a jerk about it, she is a valuable resource to have around.

She also knows everything there is to know about every encounter, and knows at least 3 ways to down whatever boss you are on.  If your group is struggling she will tell you how to make adjustments and then the boss will go down.

The bad:

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.  The know-it-all is often very arrogant, and doesn’t hesitate to tell you are wrong and then go into a long diatribe explaining all the reasons you are wrong and why you are stupid and fail at life.  And if you don’t take her advice she will not be shy about criticizing you.


The think-they-know it all:

See above, except they don’t actually know anything about anything.  There is no good side, because they don’t actually know anything.  The bad side is the same as above, with the addition that all the information is wrong.

The whiner:

The bad:

As there is no good side to this type, we’ll skip right to the bad.  Just about every tank on their bad side has the potential of reverting to this type.  The whiner is no fun to have around.  He complains about everything.  He won’t shut up about how unfair it is that he lost that last loot role.  He will complain that his strategy was ignored.  This guy is just a douche.

The Perfect Tank:
The good:

Everything goes exactly right.  They pull at the perfect pace.  Not too slow, not too fast.  They trust the groups ability, but will explain things if questions arise.  They don’t waste time with long winded explanations though.  They always have the perfect strategy laid out.  They will help out others with gear/gem/class questions.  They aren’t arrogant, mean, or rude.  They are kind, and always speak in complete sentences with proper grammar and spelling.  They are willing to help run lesser geared people through things and they are always on time for runs.   They do all they can to help their guilds progress through raids and are just a general joy to have around.  Everything is sunshine and rainbows when this tank is around.

The bad:

This tank doesn’t actually exist.

“[Insert clever sign off phrase here]”

~Fizz

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